World Breastfeeding Week or sumthing

So in celebration of World Breastfeeding Week, I have some stories to share! About... breastfeeding! Who would have thought?

We had Gray's 1 year birthday party a week ago and a friend who is breastfeeding came to the party. She was feeding her baby (who is 7 months or so) and my husband was talking to her (about beer or some such) without realizing she was breastfeeding. Then he suddenly realized that she was breastfeeding and got all awkward and walked away. This is totally strange to me - he watches me breastfeed Gray every single day. Usually when he gets up in the morning to go to work, Gray is breastfeeding. He's obviously fine (and still talks to me and everything!) when I'm nursing Gray, but he realizes that a friend (though he'd only just met her) is breastfeeding and he gets all awkward and teenager-y. Which was pretty much the deciding factor that I needed to breastfeed in public more often because my husband, who see's it all the time, is awkward about it, probably because I'm the only woman he's ever seen breastfeed! Gah! Time to put an end to this nonsense!

Not enough women breastfeed, which is sad. And those that do are often shamed about it (in the USA) and hide in back rooms. I refuse to hide anymore, if people don't want to see my baby feeders, don't look :) I was at the Farmer's Market this weekend, and afterwards me and Gray always play in the nice soft grass (which is a rarity in Texas) in front of the Courthouse until Gray gets tired and then we go home. So we're playing in the grass and he gets hungry for some milkies so I start BFing... and some guy is STARING at me and it got me to wondering if he was staring thinking that he knows me but couldn't place me (he did know me, though only casually) or if he was actually trying to make me feel uncomfortable (he did) or if he was just staring off into space and I just happened to be in that general direction? It was awkward.

Last, a note to new moms of boys, especially those that plan to breastfeed. Little boys like to play with their junk. They get boners. They like to play with their junk while breastfeeding, if they are able. They will give themselves a boner, while breastfeeding. That is awkward. Totally natural and all, and actually really funny to me... but you should know. Just FYI. Be prepared.

Gray's 1st Year

I hope you enjoy!

Uno!

Today my son is one. In some ways, the past year seems like a lifetime to me, too. I don't remember what life was like before Gray. That girl that I used to be who took risks just for the thrill is a fond memory in my mind, but she's not me anymore. That baby, the tiny 5 lb 7 ounce newborn narcoleptic that we brought home from the hospital? That's not Gray anymore, either. He is strong, independent, happy. He loves to be worn, loves to be naked, loves to be a big boy. He asserts his opinion without ever saying a word. When he's thirsty he will point to my glass of water, or climb to it if it is within reach. When he's done drinking he pushes the glass away with his hands and gives me a stern look. He gets excited when me and Daddy share a hug or kiss and walks over to get his hugs and kisses, too, with a big grin on his face and pure joy in his eyes. He kicks and squirms to be put down when we're outside, sometimes at his own peril. When he's done in the bath, he comes to the edge of the tub, looks me in the eye and lifts his left leg - always the left leg - out of the tub. When I say "Are you ready to get out?" and reach for his towel, he puts his leg down, grins, and reaches his arms high in the air.

He understands things now and it is an amazing gift to get to watch him learn. He knows that eyes are for seeing and he will peek into small spaces to see what is beyond. He knows how to push the top off the ottoman, but sometimes instead he just pushes it enough so there is a tiny crack, then he kneels down and squints in the crack to see what is inside. Other days he empties the ottoman of its' contents and pushes it around, so proud of himself you'd think he was pushing around a cart of gold. Just this last week he learned he can pull stuff, too. He pushed the ottoman across the room and then pulled it back, taking these funny exaggerated steps because he didn't quite understand how to pull and walk at the same time. Sometimes he gets down on his belly to see what is under the coffee table and I love watching him squat and look, get on knees and look, then finally get on his belly to get a good long look under the table.

He climbs everything. Nothing more can be said here because he gives me a heart attack every time, but I know it's only going to get worse. I fully expect he will have climbed to the ceiling by his next birthday.

He loves to be hung upside-down. He cracks up and it is hilarious for me, too. It's also the only time I can get a good look at his teeth (which are still in his gums) and see how they are progressing. Maybe someday he will get a tooth. Maybe today.

I know now that each day is fleeting. I remember the days when he woke up at 11 pm and stayed awake until 3 or 4 or 5 am and just how frustrated I'd be trying to get him back to sleep. I wish I'd been able to appreciate those first days a little more. Sometimes I get a glimpse of that newborn, at night when Gray nurses he rolls over to me and makes pitiful puppy sounds until he gets latched on and then sucks hard with a "MMMMmmm" like he's a dehydrated man in the desert who just found a spring, and I remember that newborn, with the ridges in his head, eyes that doodled all around and hands that spontaneously, uncontrollably, grabbed at the air.

This past year has been a blur and a lifetime. I love Gray more than I ever knew was possible. He inspires me to be a better person, a better mama. I hope he is better than me, smarter than me, kinder than me. I hope he is happy, successful, amazing. He is everything I ever dreamed of and so much more. My sweet boy is one today. Happy birthday, Gray. I love you.

A Very Good Day

Yesterday we went to Landa Park swimming pool. They have a nice baby pool with water ranging from 2.5 feet to 1 foot to a slanted "beach" (it is painted brown to look like sand but is concrete, so not so easy on those baby knees) along with one of those giant mushroom spray things (when we left there were 3 ADULTS sitting under it - what is wrong with people? this is the BABY pool!) and a little slide for the bigger kids. Unfortunately the spring-fed pool was closed down because of the recent flood (still cleaning it and it is full of mud!) so all the slides over on that pool were not open, which meant all the big kids (middle school) from the day cares were all in the baby pool slide. There's also an Olympic pool that was open, but it is pretty boring, just water in a hole, no slides or fountains or whatever. (and seriously, on every ladder and the one staircase, there were 15 kids hanging on who obviously didn't swim so well - but it made it VERY hard to get in the pool with a baby. I remember when I was a kid, the life guards would call you out and tell you to move for hanging onto the ladders!)

Gray crawled on the "beach" for a while. He would crawl down into the water, which was 1 foot deep, and almost drown, over and over again. There was apparently supposed to be some type of toy on the beach, because there are screws sticking up from the ground, and they had covered these with a highway cone. Gray thought the highway cone was the biggest nipple he had ever seen and he tried his best to nurse that thing. We swam in the big pool some, too. Then Gray started making the sign for "nursing" so it was time to go. (Plus me and Missy were HUNGRY!)

The pool definitely wore Gray out, because he fell asleep as soon as we were back in the truck and didn't wake up even when we went in the restaurant, or for the whole hour or so we were eating lunch! He hasn't stayed asleep when removed from a vehicle since he was about 3 months old. Which makes me want to take him swimming EVERYDAY.

I hope he grows up to love the water!

First Steps

It is probably time for me to write about this, since it happened over 2 months ago...

On Gray's 9 month birthday (April 22nd) we were just sitting around watching some TV and Gray was playing in the living room. We have 2 ottomans (ottomen? haha) and they were out under our feet and Gray was crawling around, standing up with the help of whatever was above him, sitting down "PLOP" on his butt, standing without holding on, etc. And also getting into trouble, because he is always doing that.

He crawls over to my ottoman and stands up, then lets go and is standing there looking at me. It was a pivotal moment because I saw a look in his eyes and knew he was contemplating doing something big. His eyes are dark, kind of a greeny brown (still not completely brown for unknown reasons) and he always looks just a little bit mischievous. That night was no exception, but he also had this look of pure determination and bravery.He stood there looking at me for maybe 3 seconds. Our eyes connected. He gave me his little half grin and took off. Three, maybe 4 tiny little steps with no support and landing in my arms a squealing, kicking, happy little monster.

That was it. No leading up to it, probably the opposite in that we don't encourage him to walk because he gets into too much stuff the way it is. After those tiny first steps I felt sure that we were on the precipice and he would be zooming around on 2 legs right away. But that's just not the way Gray goes about life. He prefers to make these huge paradigm shifts and then just go about business as usual for a few more weeks or months. Since that day, he's walked a handful of times. He can walk beside you holding one of your hands (or both) and he will sneak a walk in if it is a short distance - from one object to another (or to me). He mostly still prefers to crawl, though, and sometimes when I try to walk with him holding one of my hands he will sit instead, so he can crawl, because him crawling is faster than me walking and is way faster than him walking.

The Dread Pirate Poopbeard

Ummm... yeah... exactly what you think.

I was feeding Gray some breakfast, blueberry-mango-apple cinnamon oatmeal, which is pretty dark purple from the blueberries. He'd just peed in the potty so I was letting him run around with no diaper until after breakfast. He was eating and being a busy-body, as usual. I was checking email and facebook in between giving him bites to eat. I thought it smelled a little poopy, but it was pretty faint and I thought maybe Gray just farted (or something? the dogs? I don't know.) Finally he stands up (to get another bite, I'm thinking) and he has more breakfast smeared across his face than I remembered getting on him and I'm thinking he's done like normal and spit it out into his hand and played with it when I realize it is NOT purple face...

It's brown. And on his hands, hair, belly, legs, feet, lips, in his mouth, the couch, now the spoon...

So Gross. So completely gross!

First thing Dale asks? "Did you take a picture?" Ummm... no. I was a little busy getting POOP OUT OF THE BABY'S MOUTH.

4 weeks

Yesterday my baby turned 4 weeks old. He's growing into a little man already, and somehow I'm already missing newborn Gray, the tiny little 5 pound 7 ounce man that we brought home from the hospital, who was still so sleepy and had so much to learn.

4 weeks ago yesterday was both the best and worst day of my life. The best for obvious reasons, I have the cutest most wonderful son in the world and I finally got to meet him on July 22nd. The worst because he did not come into this world on our terms, he came on the doctor's terms, on the hospital's terms, and I'm still beating myself up over the way things went, the decisions that had to be made and the failure of my body.

He is the love of my life. I can't imagine if he would've been hurt or died in labor. I can't imagine if we'd tried to wait him out - I probably wouldn't be here to see him, and I don't know if he'd be here, either. I hate that I look back at his birthday and all I want to do is cry. I wish I could have a do-over. I wish I could fight that doctor and tell her how dumb she is. I wish I would've been stronger. I wish I would've been more knowledgeable.

He is gaining weight steadily now. He's my strong little man and he doesn't know that his birthday makes his mommy cry. Luckily he makes me smile. His round little tummy and his big blue/gray/brown/hazel eyes that look like a strange colored version of his daddy's. Seeing my little nose on his face and watching him curl his big toes like I always did when I was a baby. The sound of his cry that I knew instinctively even when we were in the hospital. The way he cries a little before he poo's and smiles when he farts. The way he looks so determined when he starts to nurse, and furrows his brow a little. His sweet little dimples in his cheeks. There was more good than bad on July 22nd, more good than I could ever imagine from one tiny person.

I'm already starting to forgive myself, a little at a time. I'll never be OK with what happened, never feel completely happy about those events, but I think I can come to a point eventually where I don't need to think about it very often. And that would be good.