A few people know that we've been trying to expand our family beyond the two of us and our hairy neked kids (latch and sierra, the spoiled dogbots). I have been amazed, through this whole process, how quickly my mindset went from "don't make babies" to "why aren't we pregnant yet?" Sometimes I hate being a girl, stuck thinking about things 24-7. Worrying, pondering, analyzing... thinking. What if I'm defunct down there? When should I be getting my monthly visitor? Am I feeling normal or a little nauseous? Have I been going potty more frequently? Am I hungrier than normal? Was that a cramp I just felt? I feel really tired lately. Am I tired because Sierra wakes me up at 6 am to go potty and yet I can't go to sleep until after 11 pm each night? Tired because I've got a bun in the oven? Tired because the Lyme is sneaking back up on me? What about these headaches? Lyme... normal... PMS... baby... Sierra barking... or unknown cause? I'm making myself crazy.
I always thought when I wanted a baby, it would just happen. Easy.
Now we're 4 months into this thing and I realize I am powerless as to what happens from here on out. We want a baby. Will our bodies comply? - specifically, mine?
30 is just around the corner! Scary to think my fertility will only be dropping. What if we wait a year... or more... for the first? Twice that long for the 2nd? Then I'm getting up into the Down's syndrome years. I surely do not need that worry to add to my list.
I'm am imagining now, when we finally are pregnant, that it will just begin a new list of worries. Am I eating right? Exercise? Do I smell cigarettes? Is the baby normal? Not to mention financial worries. Educational worries. Day care? My future career? Vacations? Dog behavior?
I know, I shouldn't worry. I wish I could stop. I've been a worrier my whole life.
